The cure for loneliness is only RM10 at a news stand near you.
Loneliness is the inevitable side effect of an unexpected sex change, and is, as Karen Carpenter beautifully remarked, such a sad affair.
The loneliness I experienced in the first few weeks was incredible, like a tornado. If a tornado is defined as a violently rotating column of air extending from a thunderstorm to the ground, the tornado I experienced was a violently rotating column of now-that-I-have-come-to-terms-with-it-what-the-fuck-do-I-do-about-the-fact-that-I-haven’t-got-anyone-to-talk-to.
I used to think girly magazines were crap, but I can’t even begin to tell you how instrumental they were in helping me make friends and get used to my new womanhood in Womanville.
The girly magazine is a guide to womanhood. Wait, it’s not just a guide. It is both the Idiot’s Guide as well as the Definitive Guide. If womanhood were a holiday destination, it would be one of those guides that set out the location of restaurants that haven’t even been opened yet, and come with a free pop-out, real-life human guide to walk you to it, while a high tech nano device hidden in the table of contents transmits the necessary information via satellite to have it built by the time you arrive.
(*the author would like to stress that at the time of writing, this guide/device may or may not have been invented yet, as any conclusion on what NASA/China/the Russians may or may not have in their inventory is speculative in nature, and therefore does nobody any good.)
Just from the social point of view, imagine for a moment that you are a man who’s recently undergone an unplanned sex change and has had to very quickly adjust to being a woman. You are dying to talk to someone but have no friends other than other male garbage collectors who are now at odds with you because your recent lawsuit cost them their bonuses.
Picture yourself in a quaint little coffeeshop with an old record player out front playing Mama Cass, and serving the same sandwich she choked and died on (the same type, that is. Not the same one, as that would be disgusting).
You might walk into this coffee shop, find a suitable table with an unobstructed view and sit alone reading your book, or you might strike up a conversation with the girls sitting at the next table.
Seems simple enough, but what on earth are you going to say? As a man, all your previous attempts to chat to random girls were motivated by a single desire to remove every item of clothing on them and then do things prohibited under the Penal Code.
So really, you have zero experience on which to rely.
That’s where the infinite wisdom of the girly magazine comes into play. Like a police officer in a stake out, you want to pay close attention to everything that is being said while you munch on your donut, and then jump in at just the right moment.
Let me tell you right now that there is no better moment than when they are discussing who is dating who right now.
Indeed, it is a truth universally acknowledged that the average woman, in possession of the ability to communicate, must be in want of the latest gossip on who is dating who (right now).
And that, my friends, is the golden nugget. Swoop in and enthuse “Yes, I know! Isn’t it tragic?!?!??!,” and see for yourself how starting with who is dating who leads on to bras, what is on sale at what time, and an in-depth discussion on the more hygienic waxing parlours in the city.
Later on, in furtherance of your education, you may want to explore the must-watch movies, and memorise all the lines. While you’re at it, why not develop an obsession for Brad Pitt and find out all there is to know about his 39 children?
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking you to forget how to operate a toaster. The idea is simply to immerse yourself completely into this superficial world, for a short period of time, so that you may better understand the inner-workings of the average woman.
It will be difficult, but afterwards you may bask in the glory of your success in having made friends, and go back to Tolstoy. Hey, it worked for me.
A word of warning though: If you are not a man who’s recently undergone an unplanned sex change, but a normal one who has chosen to apply the foregoing advice all the same, you may fail, and forever be regarded as a homosexual. Not that there is anything wrong with being a homosexual. (It’s terribly important to be PC in today’s world, otherwise the PC Nazis will come and get you)
Copyright 2011 June Low All Rights Reserved
June tied the knot with a moray eel in St Barts and pissed it off. She’s on her way home now, and was last spotted at the airport filling up an application form to be on America’s Next Top Model.