Love: Yesterday, Today, Always #LoyarBerkasih

A heart-felt declaration of love for Valentine’s Day, a debut LoyarBurok piece by Joanne Chua.

 

A long time ago, I saw love on screen and felt warm and fuzzy inside, thinking about him.

Once upon a time, I thought real life love was just like love we saw in movies.

Some time ago, I saw love on screen and felt betrayed by the mis-portrayal, thinking about him.

Then, I thought my far from perfect relationship was the real thing, that the love we saw in movies was a by-product of over-imaginative and gullible minds.

Later, I saw love on screen and felt my heart break, thinking about him.

Then, at the other end of the spectrum, I looked at love portrayed in movies, believed wholeheartedly that that must be what true love was and wondered what exactly it was that we shared beyond the facade of what we wanted it to be.

Two years done the line, what have I learned?

When it comes to past relationships, I always remember the good, try to forget the bad and always, always remember one moment which represented the relationship at its peak.

When I was eighteen:

I remember having a very bad day. I was so unhappy and just very quiet the entire evening. We were walking past the swimming pool when he tripped and nearly fell into the pool. I couldn’t help but to smile. He looked half offended and asked if only an unfortunate accident would make me laugh. I said very honestly that had he fallen into the pool, I would most definitely have burst out laughing. He then took out his mobile and wallet from his pocket, gave them to me and proceeded to jump into the pool.

When I was twenty:

He visited me in Cardiff for the first time. I had classes the morning he had to leave so I left for class and he was to let himself out. I came back that afternoon to find post-its with lovely messages all over my room and bathroom. He had also rearranged my entire room (I’m generally very messy) and left a letter detailing where everything was, complete with arrows, starting point being me in bed because he knew I was bum and always lazed in bed.

When I was twenty two:

He and I had gone for a movie. I was buying popcorn for the both of us and he bought himself an ice lolly. Later in the cinema, he claimed that he had asked me if I wanted one but I didn’t answer (I did not hear him asking me). He offered to go get me one then but I refused to tell him which one I wanted (partly because I wanted to give him a hard time and partly because the movie had started and I didn’t want him to miss any of it). He left anyway and came back with one of every kind.

At the end of every painful break up, I used to regret the relationship. Wished we’d never started, wished I wasn’t so.

But you,

you have made:

the regret;

the pain;

every tear;

count for something, for every mistake I made, I had to make in order to get to you, so that I could learn enough to not make the same with you.

Suddenly everything wrong I had done seemed to be for the right reason. For that and for so much more, I will always thank you. For turning the greys to pinks. For making everything I tried to forget memorable. For making everything ugly, beautiful.

And for the rest of them, I will always have them to thank for you. For making this beautiful.

What do I think love is?

That’s easy.

It’s you.