Lessons For Politicians From Porn Star Maria Ozawa

Fahri Azzat sets out three things Malaysian politicians could learn from Maria Ozawa.

Utusan Malaysia recently advised Anwar Ibrahim to learn some lessons from Japanese porn star Maria Ozawa. She was barred from entering Indonesia in 2010, but did not make a fuss — which contrasted with the reaction from Anwar and his supporters to Anwar’s recent problems entering Japan. This caused some of my friends to ask — what else could our politicians learn from Ms. Ozawa?

Although Utusan is uncharacteristically broad-minded in making a comparison between Anwar and Maria, it is disappointing that Utusan did not choose a Malaysian porn star. We should always encourage domestic industries to flourish, and Utusan’s choice of Ms. Ozawa did no favours whatsoever for the local porn industry. How dare they claim themselves bastions of Malay-ness when they choose to highlight a foreign actress! Baby Rina did not even get a mention. Disgrace!

Anyway, the question of what else Ms. Ozawa could teach our politicians took some time to answer. My friends and I had to do some thorough background research into the matter. Having examined and re-examined Ms. Ozawa’s oeuvre (note that that’s not a body part) in detail, there are three key lessons our politicians could learn from her.

Firstly, the most obvious thing a politician can learn from Ms. Ozawa: Transparency.

Her transparency is hard to better, especially when she is in her full, naked glory (as she usually is, or inevitably will be in a matter of time). Oh my. She truly is a wonder to behold. And look at this pic here. Oh, oh, I like the girl next-door look in that one. Oh sorry. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, nudi… nakedne… sorry, transparency (damn autocorrect!).

Whilst I am not encouraging Malaysian politicians to get naked (please, no!), they could certainly be more transparent when it comes to their principles, decision-making, internal party politics, positions on key issues, and intern selection criteria.

Secondly, something which is closely linked to transparency: Accountability. Ms. Ozawa again gets full marks for this.

Every part of her or her performance is explicitly accounted for to anyone with an internet connection — sometimes in HD video if you pay for the premium account instead of watching those free streaming clips. With crazy close up shots even Spielberg wouldn’t believe. You just can’t be cheap about these things. And that’s what credit cards are really for. And if Ms. Ozawa is a bad girl, she gets punished (see special edition series ‘Spanks For The Memories’ from 2011). You cannot beat accountability like this. Although, if you were one of those red-blooded testosterone hetero males, you could beat off to accountability. Or just beat it.

Malaysia would be a much better place if politicians were fully accountable to the public, and were punished when they misbehave, and have those clips uploaded to YouTube (or RedTube, depending on the nature of the punishment) for posterity. The Prime Minister should not be allowed to disappear whenever controversial, important issues come up. I’m not saying that he has to answer on HD video with super close-up shots, but a press conference with proper answers would be a start. Resolutely with clothes on, thanks!

The third thing that Malaysian politicians could learn from Ms. Ozawa: Selectivity. Be careful when selecting people to be on your team.

Ms. Ozawa only ever works with the best, professional male or female actors. She doesn’t just get any fella off the street to be in her scenes. They need to fulfill all the essential criteria — the skills, the face, the body, and the stamina to hold on for at least 20 minutes — and Ms. Ozawa does not settle for second best.

Malaysian politicians on the other hand tend to pick their colleagues for other, often irrelevant, considerations. It may be because they want to curry favour with someone higher up, or can get away with paying them close-to-nothing, or in some cases even simply because the intern has a nice butt (and I’m referring to male interns here).

Choose your trusted advisers, assistants, and even junior team members wisely, and you will have less problems with ulterior motives, betrayals, and sensationalised tell-all-even-though-I-know-nought articles later on.

These are at least three things local politicians can learn from Ms. Ozawa. I’m certain that there is much more she — and other porn stars (including the males, shemales, transgenders, bisexuals, lesbians, gays, animals [did we leave anybody out?] by the way!) — can teach all of us, whether we are politicians, ordinary citizens, or up and coming pornstars. (Huh, what pun?)